We See Others as We Are

Many deep thinkers have told us through the ages that we reveal who we are by the way we see others. “We see others not as they are, but as WE are.” Many of us do not really believe this (I like to believe it when I think someone is awesome – I shun the thought when I’ve decided that someone is a jerk.).

It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? If it’s true that my judgment of someone is really a reflection of my own character, it follows that I cannot honestly view myself as superior to anyone, because I must be especially wrong about that when I see someone else as inferior.

I am not talking about comparing things like talent, skill, opportunity, or intellect– humankind strikes me as terribly unequal in those ways. I am referring to the inherent humanity and worth of a soul in the deepest sense–in terms of dignity, respect, and regard.

I believe that you and I are neither superior nor inferior to any other soul, in the most genuine and honest way we can value one another–soul to soul, inextricably bound. I believe this is the one of the most fundamental and significant ways we can attend to one another. It doesn’t matter what high office someone holds or how famous (or infamous) someone is or any other outward measurement we use to compare one another. Take all those mortal, fallible, inadequate measurements away, and we each have worth–every single one of us.

Flashback to 1983: I’m fourteen years old, feeling gawky, awkward, and deeply insecure. At this age there’s no WAY I believe everyone is equally worthwhile. Life is a giant contest and comparisons mean everything. I try to counteract my overwhelming self-doubt by finding fault with others (I criticize a LOT of people and hope to win friends this way, which–newsflash!–I do not.).

I was a mess of an adolescent when I visited a college campus in downtown Portland, Oregon for a piano festival. I remember so many exact details about this day–what I was wearing (a light gray dress with red piping and white bow), how my hair was styled (feathered, like Princess Diana), how I was holding my music (hugging it to my chest). I was in a hallway waiting for an elevator to take me to my assigned room where an adjudicator would evaluate my performance. I was standing backed up against the wall when the elevator doors opened.

I saw another girl about my age inside. She was holding her music like I was, and in one swift glance I immediately sized her up. I thought to myself, “Well, she’s ugly!” I must have had this smug, little superior smirk on my face as I walked across the hall into the elevator. Suddenly I was horrified. I found myself face to face and alone with myself. Mirrors lined the interior of that elevator–there was no other girl in there. I had just demeaned myself. I stood there, stunned and aghast for several moments.

As painful as that experience was, I now count it as one of the most important lessons of my life. We usually aren’t slapped with reality so abruptly and inescapably like I was that day–cut to the quick, our pride leveled. And although it’s true that I was actually scrutinizing only myself, I believe the lesson I learned is the real truth about our lives, how we hurt ourselves by thinking unkindly of others.

We don’t initially feel harmed by pointing out the faults of others. Actually, it can feel really good to pronounce a condemnation upon someone–it can feel so right, I can feel so virtuous in the moment. And that’s precisely the danger. Feeling better about myself because I’m judging someone else is an insidious lie (as if someone else’s failure has any bearing at all on my own moral standing). It’s a lie even if we are right about certain facts, because we tend to make sweeping, wholesale judgments about the worth of people (or groups of people) based on a few glaring mistakes, or one or two terribly public blunders (think Abercrombie and Fitch, or scathing political wars where people are vilified daily). We can be so arrogant thinking we know the complete and entire ‘God’s eye final truth’ about others. We each have a very limited perspective, and more importantly, our views are mired and blinded by those of our own weaknesses and failings we don’t want to admit or can’t even see. We deceive ourselves about our ability to see objectively, and we believe we can remain detached and untouched by our conclusions about others. But we can’t–not even when we keep it to ourselves. When I criticize someone else, I automatically stain my own soul with that very same criticism and ill will.

When someone really understands their own worth, they have no need to feel superior (or inferior) to anyone else. That crooked delight I might feel in accusing someone else is really only fueled by my own faults needing to be assuaged. It’s our own weaknesses that take delight in finding weaknesses in others. Our own imperfections revel in the imperfections of others. That dishonest self-satisfaction we feel when focusing on someone else’s lack is one of the most insidious harms we inflict upon ourselves. How pitiful is this truth? And how often do we continue to NOT believe this?

But the converse is true as well – and that’s the really great news. It’s the good in us that delights to find the good in others. It’s the generosity and open-hearted humanity in ourselves that longs for someone else to see their own great worth–because we can see it, but they might not see it yet. It’s the very best in ourselves that wants to see the very best in others.

I really owe a lot to the far-seeing adults in my life who saw the best in me even when I was a terribly self-absorbed, impossibly immature teenager. The people who extended graciousness to me even when I did not extend graciousness to them–these are the people who help heal the divisiveness in our world. Extending respect and honor to others–perhaps especially to those we don’t agree with or might not reciprocate the offering–is the best way I know of to offer reconciliation to others and to repair the conflicts broiling within ourselves.

I don’t want this to sound like we should turn a blind eye to abuse or be naïve about the harm that exists in the world. I’m not suggesting we live in some foolhardy fantasy world, pretending everything’s OK. It’s not. What I’m suggesting is that we don’t add to the conflict in the world by stooping to hate, belittling, or that ugly sense of victory we might indulge in when we see the downfall of another person we haven’t liked.

It’s possible to see with compassion. It’s possible to see the faults of another and wish those faults could be mended–to wish that a person could be healed of their struggle or hatred or fault. It’s possible to see one unseemly incident and understand that that’s not the whole of someone. It’s possible to stop my revelry and remember my own faults when I’m pointing my finger at someone else.

This is the way to see the truth about others and ourselves. The more goodness we find in one another (and it is there if we look for it), the more goodness will grow within ourselves. Think of it. We can see others as WE are, and it can be a beautiful sight.