Author Marlo Morgan’s “Mutant Message” novel series is based on accounts of time spent with the Aboriginal Australian people. Theirs is a culture strongly based on harmony, not only with nature (these people can survive in some of the world’s harshest climates while never storing or gathering food for longer than a few days), but also with others. In the story, we read of a wise, grey-haired Aboriginal teacher who shares gems of knowledge regarding the universe and life. In one lesson, he gives an example of how people living such a simple lifestyle may view the world differently. The idea is that relationships and encounters with other people are like circles (I don’t mean Google circles). All actions that we take influence others. Furthermore, the way that we interact with others is repeated as a sort of behavioral cycle. Here is one great quote that sums up this idea:
“If you walk away (from a conflict) with bad feelings in your heart for another person, that circle is not closed, it will be repeated later in your life. You will not suffer once, but over and over again.”
The idea is that if we harness negative feelings and allow them to fester and grow, our circle with that person is not closed. And the influence of a resentful heart is never localized to one relationship. This essentially says that if we leave any relationship “broken” or without closure by not coming to peace with one person, we will repeat the same mistake again and again until we learn how to close our circle.
The key to closing the circle lies not in some set of learned behaviors, but in an internal struggle to forgive. This wise teacher also urged to never leave a situation with any feelings of resentment or negativity. If there were a quarrel, a person should stay up all night until the situation was resolved.
Today, this sentiment may seem completely out of touch. After all, if we are upset with someone then there is probably a valid reason. Some of our deepest emotional wounds begin as small scratches. But over time, small encounters begin to justify and reinforce those negative thoughts. Sometimes a relationship can feel so damaged that a subtle gesture or seemingly harmless silence can cause more pain than words.
What we must always remember is that, regardless of what someone else has done to us, we are responsible and accountable for how we react. Viktor Frankl conveyed this sentiment very accurately in his book “Man’s Search For Meaning.” Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who spent many months inside Nazi concentration camps. His experience of suffering and seeing others suffer led him to say:
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
No matter our given situation, our happiness and peace are not dependent on our surroundings, but on how we react to them. No matter how another person may have broken our “circle” with him or her, we are responsible to forgive and close that circle in our own hearts.
Some circles are more easily closed than others. I may get very angry at the crazy driver who cuts me off while munching his burger, but I’ll likely forget about the encounter minutes later. That circle is quickly and easily closed. Other relationships require more patience, more time, more love.
For me, the hardest circles to close are those that have lasted the longest. Those in which anger is no longer felt, but is replaced with a potentially worse feeling: apathy. The worst part of it is that there are some circles that I didn’t try to close. In fact, there are some circles that I wanted to keep open. I felt like there should be a void there. I felt like I deserved to have a circle or two left open. After all, if it was the other person’s choice, I’m sure that they wouldn’t close the circle either.
But seeing the way this simple, innocent, Aboriginal teacher views the world with no guile, no malice, no ill-will towards anyone, inspires me. Seeing an example of a person whose entire world view revolves around balance and forgiveness, makes me feel like I can forgive this one time.
Perhaps the most poignant lesson from this Aboriginal wisdom lies in the idea of constancy. If I can begin to close circles and rectify my relationships, it will become easier. The more effort that I make to forgive, the more it will become part of who I am. If I start proactively forgiving those who I feel I need closure, it will become more my nature to forgive.
My goal this week is to look for an open circle or burned bridge in my life and close it. If perhaps your heart feels the void of a relationship in need of closure, I would urge you to do the same.