Defeating PTSD: Forgiveness

When I first began going to therapy for PTSD, I had a really hard time with the concept of forgiveness. It was this big important landmark of a thing that I could never actually learn to do right–or even at all. I harbored a lot of anger and resentment deep inside my damaged soul. How was I supposed to learn to forgive anyone if I couldn’t help but feel so much bitterness and indignation all the time?

Well, the truth is that you can’t learn to forgive if you’re clinging to those negative feelings. Forgiveness requires moving on–walking forward. Hatred and animosity prevent that because they force you to look back at the past, remembering and reliving not only moments, but feelings and emotions too. So how is it even possible to move on from something that has caused so much pain and trouble, to simply be able to forgive the person who may have caused it? It might seem impossible. And it is, unless you know some important truths about forgiveness.

I grew up a believing that I am supposed to forgive everyone. I still firmly believe that. But forgiveness isn’t supposed to be something that damages you further. It’s meant to be something that is liberating and better shapes you as a person. It does not mean to sit idly by while you are bullied, teased, or taken advantage of by the selfishness of others. It does not mean to give up a piece of your soul to keep others happy. It does not mean saying or doing something you don’t truly feel or believe just to satisfy someone else’s needs. Nor does it mean to forget the wrongs others have done to you. Forgiveness is a way to settle the past while still keeping yourself safe and content so that you can move on and enjoy your future.

Forgiveness involves letting go and trusting that somewhere, in some way, justice will happen. It likely isn’t meant to be served by you. Rather, believe that God or fate or karma will see to it that everyone will be held accountable for their wrongdoings, and that penance will happen. This does not mean, however, that you let a dangerous person run free. If you can be of help to a potential future victim of someone’s misdeeds, do what you can to prevent it, be it bullying or abuse or anything harmful. But don’t take it upon yourself to seek vengeance. Revenge will not settle your mind or heart. Those feelings will always remain until you can find a way to forgive.

Perhaps the most important aspect of forgiveness is that you cannot forgive someone who does not want your forgiveness. You can’t force your forgiveness upon someone else. They must desire it in order to receive it. Have you ever tried to make a toddler eat food that he doesn’t want? It won’t happen and things will only get messy. It’s the same principle with forgiveness. If someone feels like they did nothing wrong, they won’t see a need to be forgiven of anything. As long as that is what they believe, they will not accept your forgiveness–no matter how adamantly you try to convince them that they should be asking for it. Sometimes deep down they know they’ve made a mistake, and that stubborn belief that they’ve done no wrong may be their own way of dealing with it. It doesn’t make it right, but it can help you better understand what you need to do to move forward.

Instead of giving up a precious and important piece of your heart to forgive someone–only to have them discard it like a piece of garbage–trust that when they’re ready, you’ll also be ready to forgive. Make the decision now that if they come to you, truly penitent and honestly seeking to repair all of the damage they’ve caused, you will be able to forgive them. Even if they never actually do come asking for forgiveness, the important part is that you are ready to give it. It shows that you are ready to release the negativity that holds you back from healing. It shows that you are able to let go of the past so that your future can be bright.

Forgiveness for serious offenses may take time. That’s okay. It may be a difficult concept to grasp or understand. That’s okay too. No matter how you might struggle with forgiving others, remember that you don’t need do it alone. Speak up to someone who can help you to get there, such as a professional therapist. They will give you the tools, understanding, and ability to walk forward and let the sweet freedom of forgiveness enter your heart and become a part of you.