Addicted to Running Away | Letters From the Trail

Dear Mom,

            It’s only been a week since I have been here at ANASAZI. I have chosen to do this not for myself, but to help others. Through this process of learning how to guide the YoungWalkers, I myself, have learned.  Never have I really let myself process my childhood, and would rather cope with my past through other forms of neglect.

            As you know, I’ve never used or abused substances or even drank a single glass of alcohol. I know I have to thank you for that. What I’ve realized in the last 7 days is that you don’t have to use drugs to be an addict. Physical things are not the only kind of addiction. I found myself addicted to self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear, limitations, but most of all, I was addicted to running away.

            Here, they call the Youngwalkers “Runners” if they run (or even walk) from the band.  A TrailWalker will follow them, but will never force them to return back to the band. The YoungWalker will have to CHOOSE to come back.  In my life, I have been a lot like the Runners. I have run from one place to another in search of something. It’s as though there’s a hole within me, and I’ve felt that if I ran away from my band I would find something to fill it.

            Mom, I haven’t found it.  I have been on the run for almost four years.  I have trekked alone through the mountains of life, rivers of loneliness, and the deserts of dried-up hopes. I thought that if I left my “band” and ran solo, it would fix my personal insecurities; that I would be able to forgive, forget, and move on. I wanted to be able to throw my past—the hole in my heart—and my insecurities to the wind and never have to face them again.

            I have been walking against the wind for a very long time. I guess because I have feared to turn around.

            Mom, I know you have been labeled many things during your lifetime: Bipolar, multiple personality disorder, obese, etc.  But labels are easy to tear off and replace with titles.  Titles are permanent. They are underlined.  Their letters are bigger and in bold. You have the most important title of them all. You hold the title of being my Mother.

            I want you to know that I forgive you.  I want you to know that I have mentally peeled the labels off of you and replaced them with the title of being my Mother.  I choose not to run away anymore.  I am tired of walking alone against the wind.

            Mom, I extend my hand out to you and ask, “Will you walk forward with me?”  Will you peel off your labels, leave them behind, and grab hold of my hand?  Will you drop the baggage of your past and start anew?  You are not alone because I also hold a title.  I am your daughter and I love you.  ANASAZI has taught me that every human being has a seed of greatness within him or her.  I know you possess a seed of greatness.  Let that seed grow.

                                                                                            With all my love,

                                                                                                Strength Against the Wind

I hope that everyone will one day realize and  know that they hold the greatest title of them all. That you are a daughter/son of the Creator who loves you. Remember to peel away your labels and embrace the beauty of such an extraordinary Title.