Fear and the path to Love

I would like to begin writing a series of posts on addiction. What I am about to speak on–Fear and the path to Love–is not strictly about addictions, per se. However, I have found that developing a deeper understanding of my fears was a powerful tool in my my own recovery process. I believe that everyone can find benefit in this practice. After all, what is it that keeps us stuck in different situations in life? What is it that prevents us from walking forward? My answer, in large, is fear.

Let us examine our fear for a moment. What are you afraid of? What is it like when you feel afraid or anxious? And what do you do when you feel that fear?

At first, the answers to these questions may not be readily identifiable. Most of us have ingrained, habitual responses to fear that we have learned over time. These responses may be so automatic that we are not even aware what we are doing even as we are doing it. We may have taught ourselves to become numb to feeling or push past it or shove it deep down inside with all the other feelings we don’t like.

I would like to suggest to you that fear is actually a key to both opening recovery and regaining self-love. And by uncovering what we so desperately try to cover with fear responses–drugs, food, cigarettes, alcohol, sex, relationships, work, perfectionism, constant stimulation–we can get ourselves back on the path to love.

When I speak of fear in this context, I also want to get at all the irrational beliefs we hold in connection to our fears. Irrational beliefs can be defined as “attitudes, opinions, and values that a person strongly holds, despite objective evidence, generally available and understood, to the contrary” (thank you, Wikipedia). I would also add that these attitudes, opinions, and values are often formed as extremes or absolutes.

An example of an irrational belief would be the following: “No one will ever love me.” This belief is both an extreme and an absolute–and, unfortunately, too common. On top of this, there may be one or many other beliefs tied to the first one, such as: “I am a bad person,” “I am unlovable,” or “I am not worthy of love.” Generally speaking, you will also find a fear (or multiple fears) tied to your irrational belief, such as the fear of being alone or the fear of being rejected. These irrational beliefs feed our fears, and keep us stuck in the same repetitive, self-defeating patterns.

Now, sometimes these fears and irrational beliefs are deeply imbedded in our unconscious as an effect of traumatic or tragic life experiences. It is important to note that these will not be easily overturned by stating a few positive affirmations in your mirror. However, beginning to notice and become aware of how you think–and how this leads you to act–is the first step to interrupting the cycle of self-defeating behavior.

For those living with addiction, there is a feeling that comes over a person before he or she engages in a self-defeating behavior. I have often heard it described as a ‘need’ that must be fulfilled. Indeed, it feels as though you have no choice in the matter; you must follow through with your course of action. But let us look further into this feeling. Behind (or preceding) this feeling of ‘need’ is a feeling that makes you uncomfortable, and behind that uncomfortable feeling is–almost without exception–a fear.

This is part of what I call ‘the fear cycle.’ The fear cycle goes a little something like this:

• You feel fear or anxiety or you experience an uncomfortable stimulus (e.g. you’re in a big crowd, midterms are coming, you’re having relationship issues) that, as yet, has not been attributed to a real fear (e.g. someone yelling at you, failing a test, your partner leaving you).
  • For some, the beginning of the cycle is triggered by an experience that reminds them of a traumatic or tragic event from the past. These things may involve flashbacks and somatic sensations from that past event, as though the person is reliving those things in the moment.
• You introduce more emotions to the situation (e.g. anger, irritation, sadness).
• Your inner-monologue begins a diatribe that may very well include some of your irrational beliefs (e.g. “I never do anything right,” “I am a failure,” or “I’ll always be alone, because no one could ever love an oaf like me”). This distorted thinking could also be directed outwardly, rather than inwardly (e.g. “Everybody hates me,” or “The world is out to get me,” or “Nothing is ever my fault”).

• You feel your irrational beliefs have been proven, and either your image of self declines or that of the world around you declines to save your own image.
  • For some, simply indulging in or beating themselves up with their irrational beliefs is enough, and they stop here. Both of these are self-defeating cycles, in and of themselves, whether inwardly or outwardly directed.
• You are now in a state of overwhelming agitation that you only know one way of handling. You are ready and rearing to enter your addictive behavior.

This is a very broad and general overview of what happens in the fear cycle. It looks a bit different for everyone. Some may skip over certain of these steps, or simply be unaware that one or more of them are happening. The stages can also be difficult to identify, as this entire process can unfold in a matter of seconds. I just want to share this so you can get an idea of what it might look like. Knowing the general pattern may help you to interrupt the normal process, and direct your energy down a new path.

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 This is a lot of information to take in. I am going to end my post here for this week, and expand on the fear cycle in my next post, touching on the ways that this cycle can be transformed into a loving cycle.

I want to leave you with this short story by
Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.