Fear and the path to Love: Part II

Awareness with Grace

In my last post, I spoke about how our fears and irrational beliefs can keep us stuck in self-defeating patterns. I also introduced an idea called ‘the fear cycle,’ and proposed that analysis of our personal fear cycles can help us learn to interrupt the process that leads to self-defeating behavior. There are two main tools I have used in this endeavor that I would like to share with you today: Awareness and Grace.

I would like to define these words to suit my purpose, as I find they have taken on many different connotations over the years. When I say ‘Awareness’, I am referring to a state of attentiveness to Self. This has often been termed mindfulness. I prefer to use ‘Awareness’, as I am speaking to a level of attentiveness that reaches not only the mind and thoughts, but also the body, emotions, and actions (and, if you care to include it, the spirit and its quality of being as well).

The word ‘Grace’ is often perceived in a religious context as a divine endowment from a higher power–something that can only be received, instead of an innate human resource. If your relation to Grace is affiliated with a higher power, and this is working for you, carry on. However, I find that many people have an uncomfortable relationship with this connotation of the word Grace. If this is you, I would to offer the following as a new definition: Grace is the radical acceptance of what is, as it is, in the moment, without trying to change it. This may be a strange concept for some. But one thing I have learned for certain is that I have never been able to make lasting change in my life without accepting and making peace with my current situation. If I am in conflict with myself or my situation, I do not have the openness of heart and mind to believe that I can achieve the change I desire. Therefore, all of my energy and resources are wasted in conflict. This new idea of Grace, as I have come to see it, has allowed me to have greater Awareness of Self without turning my insights into judgments. Now, that is radical!

You know how they say the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem? Well, you can’t admit you have a problem until you are Aware that you have one. Awareness with Grace is a simple idea, but it can often be difficult to practice. The place I want to focus on using this technique is in the fear cycle. Working with a therapist, learning to recognize the things in my life that triggered this cycle, and then addressing them individually is what eventually got me out of the fear cycle altogether. But before I was able to do that, I had to start simply noticing my thoughts and my emotional state throughout the day.

The most important part of this process of Awareness, this attentiveness to Self, is that it has to be done with Grace – radical acceptance of whatever arises within. This means listening to your thoughts, feeling your emotions and bodily sensations, and becoming present with your spirit. When you do these things and you notice that you become uncomfortable, instead of immediately acting to remove this discomfort or creating stories about this discomfort in your mind, you can choose to just be present with it. Listen to it, feel it, be present with it. This is the beginning of interrupting the fear cycle.

How does this interrupt the cycle exactly? Well, as you go through this process, you are going to notice a lot about yourself–about the way you think and feel, and how those thoughts and feelings lead you to act in the world. When you understand the way you think and feel–and treat those things with Grace–you can begin to change the way you think and feel. In effect, you can begin to change your actions.

It may be highly beneficial to have someone help you through this process. Navigating the mind can be tricky, and it is easy to get lost in a wormhole of thought loop. Also, you may be dealing with emotions or traumatic responses that are too overwhelming to process alone. Sometimes, we all need a little support. Know your limits. Ask for what help you need.

Change happens with patience, practice, and the acceptance of wherever you are on the path. Beating yourself up for a ‘set back’ or for ‘not doing it right’ is not going help you along the way. The point of this exercise is to take a cycle in which you are thinking negatively about yourself, and turn it into a cycle in which you are thinking positively about yourself. This is no small feat. I will be including more resources in my next post that can assist this process.

So, if you find you have become your own task master, whip in hand, scorning every wrong, gently remind yourself to return to that place of Grace.

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If you have any questions about what I have written or would like further information on a given subject, please don’t hesitate to ask. I am happy to share any of the resources I have found with those interested in furthering their own knowledge (and/or recovery process) or in gaining knowledge on behalf of a loved one.

 Thanks!

*** Any information I share here on Forward Walking comes from my personal experiences with addiction. While some may find this helpful to their growth and recovery process, it is no substitute for professional therapeutic support. If your well-being is at risk, please seek further assistance. While I find these tools essential, it was not until after spending six months in a residential treatment center that I was able to develop and use them for my recovery. Everyone has a different process.
Respect what you need. ***