Dear Heart,
This week was one of the toughest weeks I have had thus far on the trail. I started out this week on the trail with a heart at war. Usually when people think of war they think of irritation, anger, or annoyance. Yet, I have come find out that a heart of war means so much more than being angry. It means you can have a heart of sadness, insecurity, doubt, feelings of being unwanted, and distrust.
The 6 days I was off of the trail I went through a plethora of different emotions. I came off of the trail feeling good about who I was and what I was becoming. I have come to define these emotions as being a “trail high.” I had so many defining awakenings that I was excited to share it with everyone I was around. But, I came to a harsh realization that not everyone would understand the excitement and happiness I was experiencing.
All the questions I was seeking answers too, the answers never fit. The affection I wanted to receive was never given. The advice I needed to hear was twisted and never certain. I wanted to absorb all the positive feedback I was receiving but that was pushed aside because of my doubts and insecurities. I found that my heart at peace was melting away into a heart of war and I didn’t understand why. For the first time since I have been here I was scared to go out on the trail.
As I took my first step onto the trail and entered into the week I felt uneasy. I had prayed to The Creator to help mend my heart and turn it to peace. As soon as I got to the band I overheard a lot of backward talking from the YoungWalkers. I remember sitting and observing them during our afternoon siesta and pondered to myself how will I ever help them?
During a sitting a few weeks ago I was asked a very important question.
“Where is your heart?”
As I sat there listening, pondering, confused and wondering how will I ever make a difference I thought of this question. Where was my heart? How did my heart feel? How can I turn my heart to help my YoungWalkers and my fellow TrailWalkers? I took a moment away from the band and found a small clearing. I knelt down and looked skyward. Tears rolled down my face as I pleaded to The Creator to help guide me to feel peace.
A sense of warmth washed over my body as I felt my heart mend. I felt the disappointments, the insecurities, the anger, and the feeling of war begin to disappear. My mind transformed from thoughts of confusion to clear and precise view of my purpose. I stood up with a new sense of energy and direction.
The first day of hiking we were led in the wrong direction for most of the morning and had to turn around and go back to where we had started. Many times, especially when we find ourselves backward walking, we somehow go back to where to had started originally. During our journey in life we will find ourselves time and time again feeling as if we are going right back to where we started. Either in relationships, moving, reverting back to old habits, or even feelings of a heart of war we tend to feel as though we have made no progress. I do not agree. Every time we drop things of the heart and repeatedly pick them back up we have the freedom to make a conscious choice to drop it again. That is growth.
The sun rises every morning because everyday is a new day. Everyday we have to ask ourselves, “Where is my heart?” Everyday you will find yourself dropping things of the past in order to live in the present. To be grounded so that you will be able to ponder on your own seeds of greatness and the greatness of others.
The rest of the week was not easy and our band faced a lot of challenges. But, with these challenges we were able to overcome and make it to our final destination. We were able to ask our hearts the simple question of “How are you today?”
Remember the sun my dear friends. Remember the freedom of choice. Remember that everyday you can decide to change.
Walk with a heart at peace,
Gentle Rising Sun aka Strength against the wind.
I enjoy reading about your experiences!!!