Stephanie was 21 years old and engaged to a man she was crazy about. Everything but the gown was planned–the date, the colors, the venue. Announcements were out, the vendors were selected, and the bridesmaid dresses were picked out. It was her future, and she was thrilled about all of it.
The lucky man was in the military, and would go a few days at a time without being able to contact Stephanie. It had been about a week this time. He called, and Stephanie excitedly answered, eager to hear his voice and speak with him again. Before she could say anything besides hello, he said, “I don’t think the wedding will work out. We should take a break or something.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, confused and shocked.
“I guess I mean we need to break up,” came the reply. He went on with excuses and reasons, saying that he didn’t think she was strong enough to be a military wife and that the relationship wasn’t worth the trouble of long distance. But all Stephanie heard was, “You’re not worth it.”
After that conversation, she didn’t hear from him again–except for an accidental pocket-dial from him one time.
This sudden change in Stephanie’s life was devastating. Everything she thought she knew and understood about herself and their relationship had been flipped upside-down. She discovered that she had been cheated on, that he had lied to her, and that he was simply not the man she thought he was. She found herself depressed and unmotivated, lost in a blurry mess of alcohol, drugs, men, and near suicide attempts. After one such attempt, Stephanie realized that something needed to change.
“Where had my life ended up after this guy? Everything I believed about myself was all wrapped up in him. When he thought nothing else of me, I believed my worth was nothing. It didn’t matter what my family or friends thought I was worth. All that mattered was my worth to him. When he was gone I didn’t have anything left. Who had I become? Who did I want to be?”
She needed faith in something.
One night she found herself sitting at the beach, searching for some peace and clarity. She was reading her Bible as the waves rhythmically rolled in and out from shore. Through her anguish and tears, Stephanie said a prayer out loud, asking God if He loved her or even cared about her. She was immediately overcome with the impression of a warm embrace, and felt an almost tangible love filling her heart and soul. That very personal experience reassured her that not only is God real and someone who loves her, but that Stephanie is of indescribable value to Him. She is worth something to God. “The value of something is only based on what someone is willing to pay for it. Christ had paid the ultimate price for me–His life. That is what He considers me to be worth.”
After that simple and profound experience, Stephanie slowly came to discover herself. She wanted to follow her dreams, do what she wanted to do, be who she wanted to be–independent of what anyone else thought.
Stephanie says that, looking back at all of the pain and sorrow, she’s grateful for all of it (even the poor choices she made) because of what she learned. “No matter what I do in life, no matter if I’m a terrible wife or mother, no matter if I fail law school or don’t go anywhere with my life, my worth was predetermined before I even came to earth.”
Even now–4 years later–at times she still struggles with her feelings of low self worth. “I’m terrified of being inadequate and overlooked. When I’m not as involved in activities or church functions as I’d like to be, it comes back a little. But when I reflect on that experience at the beach and some other recent ones, I remember that I am significant and I am enough. If I had been the only person ever to live on the earth, and Jesus needed to die for me, he would have done it anyway, because I am worth it.”
Shortly after Stephanie was getting through the worst of that awful period in her life, she met Justin. “We were falling in love with each other, but my belief in my self worth was still shattered. I thought I wasn’t worth loving. One night I was trying to get him to break up with me because I couldn’t break up with him. I compared myself to an old, broken-down Pinto when everyone wants a shiny, new Mercedes. Before I could go on, Justin said, ‘You’re not broken to me.’ It made me realize that I wasn’t seeing myself as others saw me–or more importantly, how God saw me. It occurred to me that it is okay to see myself as beautiful and whole. I needed to see myself as that because it’s true. It’s who I am.”
“It’s really weird for me to say this, but I love myself. One of the best things I’ve gained is the perspective of who I have the potential to become and how to get there. I know the end of my story. It’s like the end of a fairy tale: And they lived happily ever after. It doesn’t matter what happens between now and then. I just know my happily ever after is coming.”
Stephanie and Justin have been married for only about a year and a half, but during that whole time she’s been learning endless things about herself as well as experiencing what a loving, lasting relationship is like. She’s excited to open up about her past struggles. It’s liberating. It’s therapeutic. And most importantly, she’s over it.
“I want these parts of my story to be out there, because someone else out there is going through the same issues that I’ve overcome. If one person could be benefited from the trials I’ve been through, I’d do it all over again.”
She would, because everyone and anyone is worth it.
For more information on Stephanie and her journey of faith and spiritual discovery, see her blog here.
I also found myself alone and hurt after a 25 year old marriage failed. Your message of hope and peace reminds me to try and slow down and let God lead my life. After three years of pain and self torture I also know God is with me. Thank you for sharing, it touched my soul.
It’s remarkable how one thing can hurt so much, even when you know logically that you are someone worth loving. That truth sometimes gets so buried. I appreciate hearing this story of change. I love that people do, in fact, heal. Here’s one of my own stories on self-worth: http://lovingellis.blogspot.com/2011/11/arrival.html.
Children only want to know two things from their parent: “Am I precious and am I living up to the expectations you have for me.” Sadly in today’s society many parents never got the answer to these questions from their parents so they do not know how to answer their children’s inquiry.
Very inspiring.
I, myself, am going thru this at this very moment in my life. God is going to heal me from these insecurities and doubtful issues that I struggle with every hour of everyday. But from reading this. I can rest assure that I will be happily ever after as well.
Your story truly touched me, wow is really all I can say. I will be sharing a link to this feature on my blog because so many parts of your story I can relate to. Your story has inspired me to share another piece of me.