When Happiness Hurts

Several years ago, when I was young and exceptionally dramatic, I had a life-changing experience. It was life-changing, not only because it involved a boy who I thought I was destined to marry, but also because I learned a simple, profound lesson that has stuck with me since.

I was twenty years old, and I was in love. At least, I thought I was in love. Love means a lot of different things to me now than it did then. The recipient of my love was a boy who didn’t really deserve it, but he had been a close friend for many years and I was convinced that we belonged together. After waiting for him to return home from a two-year mission in England, I was prepared for what I thought was an inevitable reunion where he would express to me his overwhelming love—the love he had always felt but never realized until he had been parted from my side.

Imagine my surprise and dismay when I found out that, not only did he not want to date me, but he was dating one of my closest friends! This was a girl I had confided in about my infatuation for him for several years leading up to this moment. Aside from being completely crushed, I felt betrayed.

As I lay with my face resolutely submerged in a pillow, crying my adolescent eyes out, I cursed my friendship with this girl.

“How could she DO this to me?!” I sobbed. Though the question was mostly rhetorical, I had a very wise friend who had come to comfort me, and she opted to give the question an answer.

“Do you really want to know?” she asked. “Do you want to know why she did this? She did it because she wants to be happy. She didn’t do it TO you; she did it FOR her. It has nothing to do with you. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but that is exactly what it is.”

And that was it. That was the lesson. Simple. Straight. True. And it has stuck with me all this time. When I feel hurt by someone, this simple idea often helps me to stop and think about the other person’s point of view—about how they probably just want to be happy.

All of us have an innate desire to be happy. Sometimes our happiness comes with a cost; sometimes getting what we want means another person being hurt. A lot of the time we have no control over these consequences, and MOST of the time we aren’t even aware of them. It helps to remember this lesson when you are the one on the hurtful end of an action.

When another’s happiness hurts you, remember that, generally, people aren’t out to get you. They want happiness the same as you. Don’t punish them for that. Mourn your losses and then move on. Find a way to forgive and to forget. You will be able to find a lot more of your own little slices of happiness when you do.