My husband and I have only been married for 3 and a half years (and we’ve been best friends for over 7 years). But I’m pretty sure we have already figured out one of many not-so-secretive secrets to keeping a strong and happy marriage.
We go through cycles of being entirely thrilled about our marriage, and then slowly trickle into feeling complacent about it. Our marriage is never really bad, but we both just end up feeling bored, like it’s become some mundane thing. And when that happens, we find ourselves drawing apart and starting to feel unhappy together. That slows or even stops our forward walk in life because our minds are so focused on the sorrowful state in which we find ourselves.
The solution? Reconnect.
Do something together that allows you time to communicate openly. No matter where or how, remind yourselves why you fell in love. By sitting with each other in a moment away from the pressures of daily life, you give yourselves time to refocus and reset your priorities. It offers the opportunity to recognize what is most important in your forward walk together. I call these moments “midnight strolls.”
Sometimes it’s dinner and a date. Sometimes it’s a spontaneous afternoon drive. Sometimes it’s sitting on the floor of the living room, simply holding hands. Sometimes it’s sitting on the kitchen counter eating ice cream straight from the carton. And sometimes, it’s an actual midnight stroll down an old country road.
Last week I was feeling frustrated with Bob, and he was irritated with me. He’s been busy studying to get his real estate license, I’ve been busy working online and pursuing partnerships with companies for my website, and we’ve both been trying to get the other to take care of our 1-year-old son. Obviously we needed to talk some things over and communicate our needs and goals, but it just hadn’t happened. We each started resenting the other. Our priorities were not the same, and by the end of the week we were both so stressed out and upset that we weren’t very far from wanting to give up on our marriage all together.
Luckily, I married an incredible man who is absolutely devoted to me. Late on Saturday night, Bob asked me to take a walk with him. As I was putting on my shoes and jacket, he went outside to wait for me. I crept down the stairs of my parents’ darkened house (where we’ve been visiting for the summer) and slipped out the front door. The cool night air and surprisingly bright moonlight began to rekindle something inside of me. I hadn’t realized that spending so much of my time working in front my computer had drained my energy and creativity. We walked down the long gravel driveway, mostly in silence and hands in our pockets. We walked to the end of the paved road, and sat and talked openly about how we’d been feeling. After a while, we walked back toward the house and stopped to sit on one of the hay wagons next to the hay barn. And then something almost magical happened.
We laughed together. We started to be genuinely silly and tell jokes and laugh at ourselves. And then I felt my love for my best friend getting stronger. As we continued to talk, we held hands again–something we hadn’t done all week. Before long, my love and adoration for my wonderful husband was so strong that it was practically tangible, and I couldn’t get enough of him. The irritation disappeared, the resentment faded, our selfishness was brushed aside, and we were reminded why we fell in love and got married in the first place. And then we talked about what we needed from one another. He told me all about how he needed me to support him. I told him what I needed him to do to help me be successful. And just like that, we were willing to help each other out in ways we had been avoiding all week long. We were walking forward again, both individually and together.
Regardless of where or how you reconnect, you just have to do it. You might not want to. It might be hard to find the right moment. It might be easier to just drift apart. However, if you want to keep your marriage strong and healthy, you both have to sincerely try. Being married and staying happily married is something to honor and celebrate. Giving up and calling it quits on a good marriage that is temporarily in a ‘blah’ moment is backward walking. But working toward a healthy, joyful, and lasting marriage will allow you to cover twice as much ground and gain twice as much wisdom as you walk forward together.
My own parents will be married for 35 years this August. Those years have been filled with joy, laughter, sweet memories, and many “midnight strolls” to keep their marriage happy and healthy. They wouldn’t have it any other way.
And you know what? Neither would I.
